I was triggered by something the other day and felt called to share it in the hopes that it will enlighten others...
Before I start with the story, let me remind you that I am not here to judge anyone else's beliefs or to push my beliefs on you. I am just attempting to share my own personal experience and my processing of what is happening in the world today.
I am well aware that my processing is all wrapped up in the lens I see out of, which is unlike anyone else's because we all have our own unique lens we look out of, and unlike our eyeglass prescriptions, no two lenses are alike!!!
Here's what happened...
I heard a very tragic story about a police officer, and as reported, a very good cop - nothing like Derek Chavin, the monster who killed George Floyd. Steven Gutzwiller was ambushed and killed, leaving his 2 year old child and a pregnant wife.
And it triggered in me the fact that, if this was all happening in the 80s or 90s, that widow could have been me, and those babies could have been my 2 daughters, because I lived the life of a cop's wife for 19 years, until he retired in the year 2000.
So the story clearly was a trigger based on my own personal experiences - the many, many shifts I worried as I kissed him goodbye and waited for his safe return home - and I got very upset and super emotional...
Honestly, I was regretting I had even turned on my car radio on my way to the grocery store because by the time I got home, I was in a bad state.
And my very trained brain kept trying to calm itself down and speak some sense into it. The coach in me was coming up with ideas of things I could do to get me out of that negative mindset. But everything that came up that I KNEW would help me, like deep breathing or meditation or yoga, was instantly rejected...
Then an idea came to me out of the blue... Go sit your sorry ass down and read that book you bought to better enlighten you on WHY US WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO FRAGILE?!?!
I had bought that book with all good intention but it was still sitting on my Kindle app unopened... I was making all my other To Dos more important, more of a priority!!! And then it occurred to me that, at this moment, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT than trying to understand why....
Why is this happening? Why do I feel the way I do? WTF is going on? And how am I contributing to the problem by staying ignorant or stuck in my own perspective, not trying to "see" out of a different lens?
So I laid down on my sofa, next to my puppy, and got to work reading and learning... And I committed to reading at least 2 chapters a day.
I'm happy to report that once I began reading, my negative emotions disappeared and I got calm. I got less ignorant. I got new perspectives. And in hindsight, I am thankful I got triggered because it caused me to take action.
That was 3 days ago. I'm over halfway through with the book. All I can say is that it's been eye-opening and I now see how I've been so much a part of the problem even if racism has been an unintentional and almost invisible force in my life.
If you are not educating yourself, I hope this post inspires you to begin.
Again, this is only my story, one of a zillion stories, and I will continue to openly share what I learn and any insights that I gain that I feel may help others who desire a better world for all of us, equally. 🌈 ♥️