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The Scariest Day of My Life

divorce fear love midlife scary Nov 03, 2019

November 3rd, 2006... The day I decided to leave my comfort zone.

I will never forget it. Partly because it is in legal documents, but mostly because it was the day I had been scared of for so long.

I had thought about it for years actually but fear kept me stuck and in denial and in a place where I never want to be again. A place where I felt trapped and without choice.

So today is the day I chose. The day I chose me. The day I chose to accept my failure as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law, and as a sister-in-law.

I chose the dissolution of my 25 year marriage.

I tried so hard for so long to make it work. Counseling, conversation, talking myself into and out of things countless times. Convincing myself it was ok. Telling myself that we don't fight - we get along. Telling myself I made vows I can't break. Telling myself I can't hurt those I love.

But I was hurting myself. And by doing that, I was hurting the ones I loved because I wasn't living my truth and wasn't being honest.

And I wasn't living life. I was escaping it.

I was hiding in my computer, being a workaholic. Spending lots of time being distracted, controlling what I felt I could control. Staying. Because that's what you do.

My parents never divorced. His parents never divorced. Divorce was unthinkable. How will the kids take it? What would our parents think? What would the neighbors say? How would holidays work?

So you stay. Forever. Unhappy.

But the thing is... If one person is unhappy, there's a good chance the other person is as unhappy. That means two lives are merely existing, not thriving.

So today I celebrate the anniversary of the day I stepped head on into my fear. The day I decided to no longer just exist. I knew it was a risk that I was ready to take because, even though I was scared, I was more afraid of living the rest of my life without ever knowing passion.

I hate divorce. It comes with so much pain & judgement. And often the judgement is self-inflicted. Before my divorce, I was Queen Judgy Judge.

But judgement is merely a lack of understanding & experience. I know that now.

What I came to realize is that I didn't fail. Thank you to whoever told me this... but I succeeded!!! We were married for 25 years and raised two amazing children in the process.

Marriage shouldn't be a prison you are locked into forever. It should be a passionate companionship of support and love where you grow both individually and together.

So today I celebrate the anniversary of the happy future I chose. ❤️ I hope you choose happy for you!!!

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